“Alexa, When Do Adult Children Finally Move Out?”

When my memaw was a young lady, she got married right out of high school.  This was in the 1930’s, so this marriage was normal.  What was not normal is that, after a few years, they were divorced.  My memaw moved back in with her mother after the divorce (no children) until she married my grandfather in the 1940’s.  When my father was 21, he got married, and by the time he was 23, I came along.  This was the 1960’s.  I didn’t get married until I was 27 but I had been on my own since I was 18.  I hadn’t lived with my parents since I was 16.  

What’s my point?

Most of us didn’t live at home for very long.  We finished high school, maybe went to college but most of us were out of the house by our early 20’s.  That is not the case now–both physically and emotionally.

My unscientific research has told me that a new trend started with the Millennial generation–those born in the 1990’s.  My research is with my own family, extended family, and friends.  Recently, I had lunch with a few friends.  One friend told me about having issues with her son, who still lives with her at 24, and is having some legal problems.  My other friend talked about her daughter, in her mid 20’s and lives with her, and having issues academically.  My other friend talked about her daughter, late 20’s, and how her daughter is still dependent emotionally on my friend.  And then we started talking about parenting our kids and this “phrase” they are in.  What a conversation!

Parenting young adults is never talked about in the talk shows, or the Dear Abby column, or on TikTok.  Why not?  It’s like all the developmental psychologists said, “Hey, you will have issues parenting infants, toddlers, Terrible 2’s, young children, and adolescence.  Once they are out of their teens, life is grand!”  Yeah, I’m calling bullshit!!

There is a phase that does need to be discussed.  These young adults are a handful!  Again, I think this phase has become an issue in recent years but we need some help from these so-called “experts”.  What do we do when we see our young adult children make huge mistakes?  Do we bail them out?  Do we let them suffer?  When do they stop calling every minute whenever they encounter a challenge?  When do they stop calling us constantly in tears because they are hating this thing called “adulthood”?  When do we stop being their emotional support dog?  When will they finally move out of the house???

Well, I have a degree in psychology and counseling.  I have children in this phase and I have talked constantly to my family and friends about this phase and their own experiences parenting these children.  I’m no expert but I have a few “thoughts” or rules about this phase…

Jesus, Take The Wheel

Your kids are going to fail.  They will fail big; they will fail small; they will fail often.  Failure is how we learned.  Our job, which is VERY difficult, is TO LET THEM FAIL.  We are going to see them make bad decisions all the time–in their relationships, in their finances, and maybe in their job.  But don’t rob them of those failures.  Yes, it is robbery on your part to not let them fail.  That is how we learned and it will be the same for them.  Don’t bail them out.  IF they ask for our advice, then give them their options as you see it.  “You hate your job?  I’m so sorry.  Oh, you want my advice?  Here are some options–can you make things better at work?  Can you move into another position at your job?  Have you been looking for another job?  My biggest advice?  DON’T quit your job until you have another lined up.”  Be supportive, listen to them, but DON’T take on their problem.  They are adults.  If they get fed up one day and quit, without another job lined up, don’t say anything.  It was their decision and now they must live with it.  They will need to figure out how to keep up with their expenses while looking for a new job.  You stay out of it and DON’T give them any money.  It’s ok if they have to cook at home instead of going out!  However, you are also their safety net–IF NEEDED.  That means if they need actual help, then help them.  But only if they truly need it; not because you hate to see them suffer superficially.  This is a tough line to see but do your best.

She Works Hard For The Money

Along the same lines, try not to give them money or pay their bills.  They are adults and can pay their own way.  We all were poor once and had to dig for change in the couch cushions to pay for rent.  We are stronger and more resourceful for it.  Let them scrape.  They don’t “need” the latest handbag or hair mask.  They need to be in control of their finances and learn how to live within their means.  You CAN help by giving them budget lessons or steer them to other resources that could help them but ONLY if they ask.  With young adult children, only give advice IF THEY ASK.  Otherwise, it falls on deaf ears and can be even more frustrating for you.  Again, they are adults…even if they don’t act like it:)

I Am Not Okay

Yes, you want to talk to your children every day, but not as a therapy session.  You want to talk to them about their day, what are their plans for the evening, talk about you and what your plans may be, did you see that new movie on Netflix, etc.  Your conversations should be a two-way street.  Two adults talking to each other and listening to each other.  Sometimes, they may need to vent or complain and so should you.  But some adult children think they need to call mom or dad every day to get emotional support.  They want sympathy about how hard their life is, how difficult work is, or how they don’t have a significant other in their life.  Yes, once in a while, this is ok but I know some who do this every day to their parents.  Their parents are their emotional crutch and these parents don’t know what to do.  They want to be supportive but they also want their children to make some of their own decisions and live with the consequences.  You MUST set boundaries–for your emotional health and your child’s.  Lovingly but firmly, you need to explain to them that you love hearing from them but you aren’t equipped to help them with some of these issues.  Are they open to finding a therapist to talk to?  You can help them find a therapist or steer them to those resources and then it is up to you to demonstrate what a healthy conversation looks like between adults.  “How was work today?  Oh, that does sound very difficult.  So, what are your thoughts about solving those problems?  What are some things you like about your job because you want to stay there?  Today, work was frustrating to me too.  Here is what happened to me….”  It’s ok to talk about issues but there are other things to talk about too.  Show them the other things.  If phone calls still aren’t going well, maybe texting would be better for a while.  Maybe you don’t need to talk to them every day.  If they call, tell them you have some things to do.  Can you call them tomorrow?  Set limits.  It will be really hard in the beginning but remember, this is for them to get emotionally healthy and for you to have a good, healthy relationship as adults.

Sweet Home Alabama

Finally, adult children need to move out.  I know that while they are in school, it may not be financially possible for them to move out.  So, when should they?  When they have a full time job.  If it is a job that they could reasonably support themselves, then give them a deadline.  A good deadline is by a certain holiday or season and be specific!!  “You have been working for almost a year now.  I think you need to be on your own, without me always being around.  How about in six months, in June, you have an apartment to move into?  That will give you time to look for the apartment, look for roommates if you want them, and save your money for the move.  How does that sound?”  Part of you may want them to stay living with you, but that is not what is best for THEM.  Yes, you may need to shove them out of the nest, but they need to be an adult, with all the responsibilities, without you.  That is one of your main jobs as a parent.

You Are My Sunshine

We love them and will support them in any way when there is a life altering event like divorce, death, losing a job.  But not for every little thing that happens in their lives.  We have to set the boundaries.  We cannot rely on them to do it because they are learning how—by our modeling the behavior.  Yes, parenting adults and setting boundaries is VERY HARD.  I do not claim to do it perfectly or even adequately.  Some days I am a tyrant.  Other days, I am a softy.  I’m still trying to negotiate and find that middle.  But it is our jobs as parents to find that middle, so our children become productive, responsible adults.  Oh boy….Good Luck!!