A Christmas Carol: The Why Behind Our Goals Part II

The holidays are behind us–all the chaos, the craziness, the eating, the family gatherings, and most of all, watching all of our favorite holiday movies.  Memaw had two favorite movies:  A Christmas Carol and It’s A Wonderful Life.  These classics are still around and we still watch them every year.  Have you ever noticed that their themes are very similar–appreciate what you have and change what needs to be changed?  How true these themes are in our lives.  In A Christmas Carol, for instance, the theme is change.  How do I change to be a better person?  Sometimes, circumstances point out where we need to change–maybe a health scare, maybe a financial situation, maybe the death of a friend.  In the movie, it was actually the ghosts who showed Scrooge how he had changed (for the worse) and what would happen if he didn’t change for the better.  Reaching our goals is very similar.  Memaw was always frightened by the ghosts.  I’m more frightened by what they are saying…

Last week we talked about how to make resolutions into SMART goals.  Instead of something vague, like “I want to lose weight”, we make it into a goal that is specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time based.  Doing this simple act increases drastically our chances of reaching that goal.  But it is not enough.  Most people think we need motivation to attain our goal.  This is a myth.  Yup, I said it.  People believe that they don’t reach their goals because they don’t have enough motivation.  That is not true–it is actually a lie!  You need motivation during one specific time–when you decide to create the goal. And that is it.  It’s true.  You need the motivation to want to change but you don’t need motivation to change.  Let that sink in for a minute.

What do I mean?  Well, motivation is a fickle thing.  You’ve experienced it before.  “Well, it is New Year’s Eve and my resolution is to stop drinking soda.  It is bad for me and way too many calories.  Yup, starting tomorrow, NO SODA!”  At that moment, you feel good about yourself.  You feel proud and have a sense of “YES!!  I can do this!”.  New Year’s Day comes around and you do it–you drink no soda!!  Yay for me.  Then January 2nd rolls around.  Ok, it was harder today but I did it!  Then January 3rd comes, you are at work and it is 3:00 in the afternoon.  Your energy is gone.  You need a pick-me-up.  “Ok, I’ll have one can of soda but that is it for today!”. A week later, you are back to drinking soda on a regular basis again. 

“I just don’t have any motivation!” you say.  Well, you're right and wrong.  No, you don’t have any motivation but that is not what is stopping you from reaching your goal.  Motivation is great on New Year’s Eve and you make that goal.  You even made it into a SMART goal.  But you need 4 things instead of motivation to reach that goal.

To reach your SMART goal, you need your “why”, setting small steps in your goal, discipline and grit on your way to the goal, and routine to make the journey easier on the road to your goal.

We are going to talk about your why and setting small steps in your goal.  We will talk about the other two things next week.

Your Ultimate Why

Remember in the SMART goal, the R stands for relevant?  Relevance means WHY do you want to reach that goal.  Are you doing this goal for a good reason?  For example, do I really want to lose 10 pounds or does my boyfriend want me to?  Do I think losing that weight or exercising will improve my health, give me more energy, fit better into my clothes, or am I exercising because I am “supposed” to?  The more good, selfish reasons I have, the more I try to achieve my goal.  They have to be selfish reasons.  You have to want to reach a goal because of YOU.  And, once again, you need to be as specific as possible.  The more specific, selfish reasons you have, the more inclined you are to stick with that goal (notice I am not using the word “motivation”!).

So, how do I really know if the reasons I come up with are good enough?  This is a key to sticking with your goals.  These reasons are your “why”--they are what you keep going back to when you “fall off the wagon”--when February comes around and you want to revert to your old ways.  If your reasons are specific, good, and totally selfish, then you can go back to those reasons when you really want to go back to that can of soda.  Remember, it can’t be “supposed to”.  That reason will never work, so NEVER put that down as your “why”.

But how do I get to that wonderful “why”?  How do I get to those specific, good, selfish reasons?  Do I just start making a list?

You could but for me, that just never worked.  I always had surface reasons and those won’t do it.  You really have to dig deep.  You have to dig so deep in your reasons, that you will be uncomfortable.  Yeah, that sucks but it is the only way to avoid Quitter’s Day!

Ok, ready to do this?  It takes some creativity on your part.  You need to have a few moments of uninterrupted time.  It is almost like a therapy session.

A Christmas Carol

Remember A Christmas Carol?  Well, you are going to create your own Christmas Carol to help you find your why.  Here we go…

Ghost Marley

Let’s start with the first ghost.  Ghost Marley is telling you you need to change your ways.  This ghost is actually telling you what ways to change--lose weight, be more healthy, save more money, etc.  Write down all the things he is telling you.

Ghost of Your Past

Good.  You got the list from Ghost Marley?  Ok, let’s get visited by the three other ghosts.  Think back to your past with the Ghost of Your Past.  Why do you think you gained weight?  Were you always a bigger person?  If you don’t like to exercise, maybe it was not important growing up?  Did you have bad experiences in PE class so you hate going to the gym now?  Try to figure out how the past is affecting you right now.  You may feel like the past is not important but any good therapist will tell you that the past is what shapes you.  Yes, you are a grown-ass adult and you make your own decisions.  But, in reality, the decisions you have been making were based on your past.  Really sit with Ghost of the Past and try to find out why you do the things you do.  This will help you achieve the change you want.

Ghost of Your Present

Now the second ghost–Ghost of Your Present.  What is keeping you from losing weight?  Do you eat because of boredom, stress, frustration?  Do you feel you “deserve” that cookie, cake, or soda?  Why can’t you save money?  Do you think shopping therapy helps in times when you are angry or hurt?

Remember–as you are going through these Ghosts, write everything down.  Not only will this help you create your goals, you are definitely creating your specific, good, selfish whys.

Ghost of Yet To Come

Now, figure out what would happen if you didn’t make any changes.  Look 5 years in the future and you made no changes.  This is the Ghost of Yet To Come.  How do you look?  How do you feel?  How are you living?  Sit there for a few minutes.  What about in 10 years?  How old will you be?  What has changed?  Has anything changed?  Remember, if you don’t make any changes now, why would there be changes 10 years from now?  Will you still be around in 10 years if you don’t make some changes now?  Sit here for a few minutes.  

Let’s go a different route.  If you made a small change now, like exercising 3 times a week or saved $100 per month, what would you look like in 5 years?  How is your lifestyle different in 10 years?  If you saved $100 per month, that is $1200 per year.  In 5 years, that is $6,000.  In 10 years, that is $12,000.  Maybe to some, this doesn’t sound like a lot of money but you would be $12,000 richer than if you didn’t put any money into savings!  This time next year, you could be 30 pounds lighter!  Yes, it is true--every journey starts with one SMALL step!

I like A Christmas Carol approach because it is very personal.  You’ve seen the movie, you know how it works.  Yes, it can be very uncomfortable being visited by these Ghosts, but being uncomfortable is what will help you “change” and reach your goals.

However, I realize that the Ghosts can be a bit “much” for some people, so there is another way of getting to your why.  It is shorter, less “traumatic”, and can still yield very good results.  

Your Rocking Chair

Dr. Erik Erikson was a psychologist many years ago.  In fact, for a while, he was good friends with Sigmund Freud, another well known psychiatrist.  Erikson had a theory about how we develop our personality.  I will discuss it more in another blog or you can research it because it is quite interesting.  However, one of things in his theory was the rocking chair approach.  I have used this many times, and it really works.  It is actually quite simple.  Imagine that you are old and you are rocking in a rocking chair, thinking back on your life.  When you think about this moment in time, when you are making your goals and trying to stick  with them, are you reflecting on this as an accomplishment because you made this small step?  Yes, you had setbacks but you keep plugging through to make your life happier.  Or are you looking at this in despair because you failed to try and ended up not making the journey?  Write down those feelings and reasons right now.  This is your ultimate “why”.

I know these exercises are difficult but change is not easy and there will be times when you want to give up.  Reflect on what you did today and that will set you back on the right path toward obtaining your goals.

Setting Small Steps

Finally, we touched on this when we were setting our SMART goal.  Usually our goal is huge–lose 30 pounds, quit drinking soda, drink a liter of water everyday.  These are big goals and if you try to achieve them all at once, it can be daunting.  This can make you want to quit.  Small steps help with this.  Instead of losing 30 pounds, start with losing 5 pounds.  Instead of quit drinking soda, drink 12 oz. can every other day for a month, then every 2 days for a month, etc.  If you want to drink more water each day, with the goal of 1 liter, start small.  Maybe drink 8 oz. of water every day for 2 weeks.  Then increase it by 4 oz for 2 weeks.  And keep doing small increases over a period of time until you get to the 1 liter.  These small steps are small changes and it helps you adjust gradually to the changes.  If you do it right and have patience, you will barely know that these changes have occurred.  This will set you up to be successful in your goal.

Your ultimate “why” and creating small steps toward your goal are just 2 ways to achieve your goal.  They sound small and time consuming (6 months to lose 30 pounds??), but they set you up to succeed.  The more success you have, the more persistent you will be in achieving your goals.

Next week we will discuss two other skills to help achieve the changes you want in your life.  Until then, may all your mornings in 2025 keep you in the Christmas spirit.