Alone vs. Loneliness

My mother died earlier this week.  Death is a very complicated issue and I’ll talk about it another time.  I want to continue talking about loneliness.

My father died over 20 years ago.  Since then, my mom met another man, Richard, and they were married for 11 years.  Richard is a warm, caring, funny, positive person and he put up with my mom, who could be very difficult.  They lived in a large travel trailer in Washington and on social security.  Joe and I are in Washington, helping Richard plan the funeral.  

Loneliness is an epidemic with older people.  Actually, it happens to everyone at any age but as you get older and stop working, it seems loneliness becomes more persistent.  Richard is a prime candidate.  He just lost his spouse.  Now, he lives alone.  Richard is in his 80’s but with the exception of a few health issues, is good physically and mentally.  He still drives, takes care of all his own finances, and still likes to do projects.  However, what about his social life?  Who does he see, who does he talk to, who does he connect with?

There is a big difference between being alone and loneliness.  Most of us like our time alone.  There are memes about how happy we are when plans are canceled so we can stay cozy in our home and binge watch shows.  Alone time is good.  It is healthy.  It is what we all need.

Loneliness is different.  It is not good.  It is not healthy.  It is not what we need.  What is loneliness?  It is when we feel we are not connected with the world.  It is a feeling of isolation, of social pain.  It is when we go to bed at night and feel like we don’t matter to anyone.  This is a horrible feeling and one that is silent.  That means very few people will admit that they are lonely because it’s looked at as social stigma–just like mental health.  Are we never to feel lonely?  No, I think that is unrealistic.  But if it is a constant feeling, then something needs to be done.

I don’t want Richard to feel lonely and I worry about that.  I know he will feel it right now, because that is actually part of the grief process.  When he sees her things, when he wakes up in the night, when he goes to their old places, he will feel that pang of pain and loneliness.  This is quite normal.  However, I don’t want him feeling it constantly or in great amounts.  And I don’t think he will.

Loneliness is horrible but manageable if in small amounts.  Large amounts can be detrimental.  In fact, loneliness can increase the likelihood of an early death, especially in older adults, by 32%!  That’s a lot!  But the good news is that there are things you can do to combat loneliness.  Here are some suggestions…

Therapy

If you suffer from loneliness and can’t seem to shake it, therapy is always the answer.  Talking to someone who can help you in many different ways makes a big difference.  Sometimes when you are in the middle of an issue, it is very hard to see any solutions.  Talking to someone who is more objective can help you get clear on the path you need to take.  This applies to loneliness but also ANY issues you are having.  I always highly recommend therapy.

Pets

We have talked about this before.  Owning or fostering a pet can help with the feelings of being lonely.  Having to care of something besides yourself gets you out of your head and doing things to help that animal.  If you don’t want the long term commitment of owning a pet, fostering is excellent.  Almost all local animal shelters and rescues are looking for fosters.  

Connect with family and friends

If you have family and good friends, make it a point of seeing them often.  Schedule weekly lunch dates, babysit the grandkids, go to the Farmer’s Market every Saturday morning with them.  Initiate the visits.  Don’t be clingy but they want to see you as often as they can too.  

Resolve issues

What if you don’t have family around?  Or you lost touch with your friends?  Well, you can reconnect with those lost friends.  Yes, they will be happy to hear from you.  Did you have a falling out?  Then resolve that shit.  Do not carry grudges.  Apologize for your part in that conflict and then move on.  Re-establish your relationship.  It may not be the exact same as it was before the issue, but all relationships change and grow.  It is a good thing.

Broaden your friendship circle 

It is very hard, as we get older, to make new friends.  But it is not impossible.  You need to broaden your friendship circle.  How do you do this?  Most of us made our friends in school or at work.  If you are older, you are doing neither of those things.  Well, there are several things you can do.  First, you can volunteer.  I have talked about this many times but volunteering is good for the soul—and for your social life!  You meet new people who share an interest with you, who you work with side by side, and you get to know each other.  Second, you can join things.  Join the zumba class at your local YMCA, or maybe water aerobics at the gym.  Your local library is always sponsoring fun classes to join.  For us old people, every town has a senior center that is always offering things to do, people to meet, games to play.  Third, go to church or a synagogue.  Meet people through your religion.  Sign up to be active in your congregation–maybe teach Sunday School, or help clean the church on Saturdays, or join a bible class.

One thing I know about loneliness is that you have to solve the problem.  Don’t rely on others to stop you from being lonely.  Don’t wait for their call.  You go out, you form your friendships, you join things.  Even if you start small, just go out in public.  Go to the library and read a book among people.  Sit in a coffee shop, play games on your computer, and be with others.  It’s ok to go out in public by yourself.  It’s ok to eat at your favorite restaurant by yourself.  If you feel self conscious, then bring a book.  But go out and don’t sit at home all the time.  YOU have to initiate this.  YOU have to have the courage to put yourself out there to meet new people and develop new friendships.  Be nice, be kind, have grace, and people will be drawn to you.  It’s ok to be vulnerable.  It is ok to say “I’ve never done this before.”  People naturally want to help other people, especially those who ask for help.  ASK!

Richard is a really good guy.  People love him.  He has a son and a brother who live close and he talks to them on the phone or in person on a daily basis.  Richard loves going out to eat and has started going to his favorite restaurants by himself.  The waitstaff know him and they know he will kid with them.  They love it (and he is a good tipper, which  doesn’t hurt:)  I think Richard will be fine.  Yes, he is alone.  Yes, he will feel bouts of loneliness but I also think Richard knows what to do if the loneliness gets bad.  

Be like Richard.  And take care of yourself.  The ball is in your court.