"I can't take this anymore! This whole "teachable moments" of protecting their self-esteem and nobody gets punished and every game ends in a tie!"

All I hear is "Use your words. Use your words," but the word they never use with the kids is "No!"

As I was growing up, I was fortunate to have 2 sets of grandparents for most of my childhood.  I had my Memaw, of course.  But I also had my mom’s parents.  My grandma on my mother’s side lived in Texas.  I didn’t see her much--about every 2-3 years.  We would take a train to Dallas and my uncle would pick us up.  My Texas grandma was fun and she would always “over rule” my parents.  We got away with a lot because her rules were different:)  She died when I was in middle school.  

Last week I talked about my friend and her “issue” with the other set of grandparents.  We talked about how grandparents should NOT be in competition with each other.  They should pull together to be a family for the parents and the grandchildren.  Then I listed 5 ways I thought would bring both sides of grandparents together.

This week I want to talk about my other friend.  Her only daughter is going to have a baby very soon.  Since this is her only child and my friend is divorced, she doesn’t have a lot of money.  She is worried how she is going to have all the things she needs to be a wonderful grandma to this child.  She believes she needs a crib, changing table, car seat, clothes, and toys for this first grandchild.  

She thinks she needs to have a baby shower for herself.

Uhhhh, I didn’t really know how to respond to this.  Your own baby shower?  But you are the grandma, not the mom.  Isn’t that a little “self-absorbed"?  I didn’t want to hurt her feelings but I couldn’t wrap my head around this.  All those “things” she thinks she needs to be that wonderful grandparent--couldn’t she buy some things second hand (like clothes and toys), maybe borrow a car seat or playpen from the parents for when the grandchild visited?  Oh, no.  She wanted her own baby shower and all new things.  

I wonder how her daughter feels about this?

Last week, I made that list of ways for grandparents not to compete for their grandchild’s love and affection.  This week, I would add 5 more ways I think on how to be useful to the parents and not another burden.  After all, they are having the child.  They are new to this game of parenting.  Our job, I feel as grandparents, is to lighten their load, give them support and encouragement, and to love and adore our grandchildren.  This is NOT the time to take the spotlight off the child and parents and put it on us.  We are not the star of the show.  We are in the chorus!

Follow the parents’ rules as best as we can.

All new parents are going to try to find their way of parenting.  It may be similar to the way they were brought up or totally different--a new trend:)  Whatever it may be, we need to keep our mouth shut and follow their rules.  We need to do this because

1) We don’t know everything and they may have some good ideas. I can't tell you how many mistakes Joe and I made as parents! Oh, well. Our girls will have something to tell their therapists someday:)

2) They are new parents and are trying to figure it out. I know my mother-in-law knew more than us when we had our kids but thankfully, she never gave advice unless we asked. My mom, on the other hand, drove us crazy. "I knew that would happen!" or "My granddaughter never does that with ME!" she would constantly tell us. Like she was a perfect parent--ha! And

3) They don’t need to feel judged by us. That is how we felt with my mom and it really caused a rift in our relationship. My siblings and I can testify that she was NOT the perfect parent.

I think we need to keep consistently in our grandchild’s life.  As long as it comes from love, there is no right way or wrong way.  We might not agree with the parents, but we literally have no say!

Never agree or disagree with the parents’ decisions or rules in front of the children.  If needed, do it in private.

This really should be “never disagree with the parents”--whether in public or private.  Hey, this is NOT our kid.  This is our grandchild and the parents are in charge.  We didn’t know everything when we were a parent and we still don’t.  Yes, we have more experience by now, but we need to save that.  Our child is learning how to be a parent and just needs our encouragement and support.  They don’t need our approval or disapproval or suggestions (unless they ask).  Give them the space and grace to make decisions and rules.  We may not agree with them but we really don’t know everything!

Help out whenever we can but set boundaries if necessary.

Helping the parents whenever we can will ease stress for the parents.  We might be needed in emergency situations--the babysitter cancels, a child needs to be picked up at school, or taken to a baseball game.  Be there for the parents--especially in high stressful times.  But we may need to set boundaries.  If we are not willing to watch the grandchildren on a regular basis, let the parents know.  Maybe we are retired but like to travel.  We could tell them when we will be gone and when we will return.  If we are comfortable, we could assure them we will help out whenever we are in town.  We can help out the parents, spend time with the grandchildren, but keep our boundaries too.

We never “babysit” our grandchildren.  We are spending time with them.

Notice in all of this, I don’t say “babysit”.  We are not babysitting our grandchildren.  We are spending time with them.  Just like, as a parent, we are not “babysitting” our own children. We are taking care of them.  Words matter, especially when the children can hear them.  Also, babysitting implies a job, maybe payment, doing something because you “have” to.  When we are spending time with our grandchildren, we are doing it because we want to.  We want to be part of their lives and have them part of ours.  This is love and family.

Be helpful to the parents; not another burden.

This is a tricky one.  As grandparents, we need to help and assist the parents with the children, but know our lane.  Don’t take over the grandchildren and the parenting of them.  Don’t immediately start cleaning the house.  Don’t only interact with the grandchildren and “ignore” the parents.  We may think we are being helpful by giving the parents a break, or helping them with cleaning, or giving them some quiet time, but, in reality, parents might be offended by our gestures.  “Do the grandparents think they are better parents than us?”  “Is my house not clean enough for them?” “Why am I invisible when my parents come over to see the grandchildren?  Don’t they want to see me too?”  This is a fine line and one that needs to be constantly monitored.  Check for the parents’ body language and voice tone.  Are we helping or aggravating them?  If we can’t tell, then back off.  Let the parents take the lead and we follow.

We all want to be great at being grandparents.  We want our grandchildren to love us and love being around us.  But we also want to be helpful to our own children.  We want to encourage them and support them as parents.  We need to be mindful of all of this.  Compliment a lot and criticize little.  And, if in doubt, just be quiet and listen.

Disclaimer--Joe and I are NOT grandparents yet. So, how did I come up with these "rules" if I have no experience as a grandparent? First, I had an excellent role model with my own Memaw. Second, I have watched my mother-in-law with her 13 grandchildren. They adore her, for a reason. All she does is show support, encouragement, and love to her grandchildren and her own children. Third, many of my friends are grandparents and they have been wonderful in telling me their experiences. Finally, my daughters are not shy. They communicate to Joe and I very clearly what they expect from us!

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