"Grandma got run over by a reindeer Walking home from our house Christmas Eve. You can say there's no such thing as Santa."

"But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!"

My Memaw was my world.  When I was young and an only child, I would stay with Memaw and Grandpa all summer long.  My parents lived 5 miles away and would come once or twice a week for dinners to visit us.  Everyone was happy.  When I got older, we adopted my older brother and sister.  We still went to “the farm” (Memaw’s) several times a week--for dinners, to watch football, so dad could help grandpa with some project, and for my mom to color/cut/or roll up my Memaw’s hair.  On other days, when Memaw and Grandpa came “into town” to buy groceries, get gas, or go to the post office, they always stopped at the house.  They would sit on our hot water radiators and visit for a few minutes. 

My brother went to live with them for a year because he was always in trouble with the law and dad wanted him “out of his element” and given guidance by Memaw and Grandpa.  My brother also felt useful because he had to work the farm. 

Once my brother and sister moved out with their own families and Grandpa died, Memaw and I were constantly together--I lived with her, she was my companion when we went on vacations with my parents, and she would drive up and visit me in college.  We even slept in the same bed because she would have heart attacks at night and it would wake me up, then I would take her to the ER.

Grandparents can be wonderful.  When children have another generation involved in their lives, the benefits are endless.  Children get to see adults in a new light.  Maybe their world becomes less “strict” because grandparents like to indulge them. Grandparents help parents raise "the village".

Grandchildren get to learn about traditions and customs in the family and where they come from.  Grandparents are notorious storytellers and they can tell funny, heartwarming, and eye-opening stories about the children’s parents growing up.  Grandparents can be allies with grandchildren, helping parents make good decisions.  They also can help parents by taking some of the burden off their shoulders--babysit overnight an infant who cries a lot and the parents have had no rest; take the grandchildren on vacation with them so the parents have a mini-vacation of their own; create a college fund for the grandchildren to help the parents financially.  Sometimes parents just need a break and the grandparents can provide that break without the parents worrying.  Again, the list is endless.

There is at least one big mistake grandparents can make. I was talking to one of my friends recently and she was talking about how she feels like she is “competing” with the other set of grandparents for the affections of the grandchild.  For example, the other grandparents spend more time with the grandkids because they live closer and can see them everyday.  They are retired, can visit more, have more money, and buy the children extraordinary gifts.  My friend and her husband feel so left out, like they cannot connect with their own grandchildren because they are in a competition.  They both still work, don’t have a lot of money, and live across the country and can only see the grandkids on special occasions.  Because of this competition, my friend thinks it makes it hard on the parents to keep everything in line.  This "competition" is wrong on so many levels.

I have a list of 5 things that we should do as grandparents.  I think if we follow this list, I think we will be wonderful grandparents, wonderful parents to our children as they are parents, and wonderful colleagues to the other grandparents in our grandchildren’s lives.

Give new parents time to be with their baby.

Yes, you want to hold and feed and even change the diaper of that newborn but back off.  Let the parents have that new experience.  They are so filled with joy, they might just want to be their small family for a while.  Give the new parents love and support and plenty of room.  Literally get out of their face.  If you are visiting from another city, stay in a hotel.  The new parents will let you know when you can visit.  Be patient and follow their lead.  When you do visit, be with the baby but also be with the parents.  Help the mom out when cooking dinner.  Let dad push the stroller when you go for a neighborhood walk.  You are in the backseat.  Stay there!

Give the other grandparents time to be with the baby and/or grandchildren.

If you are fortunate to live in the same city as your grandchildren and/or are retired so you have a lot of free time, that is wonderful.  I hope you can spend a lot of time with them.  However, don’t begrudge the other grandparents.  If they come into town, back off.  Let them have their own time with the parents and grandchildren.  Let them spend quality and quantity time with the family and you stay away!  I’m sure you will be invited for dinner or some other occasion but don’t feel threatened.  Let everyone enjoy the grandkids.  There never is too much love!

Never compete with the parents or other grandparents for the grandchildren’s affections.

Competition should never be part of a family for love.  It is wonderful that your grandchildren are so loved by so many.  That is not always the case.  Know that your role is to be in addition to the parents, the other grandparents, and all the others in this child’s life who love them.  Be the addition, not the competition.

Never talk bad about a parent or other grandparents in front of the grandchildren.

This usually doesn’t happen unless there is some hostility in the family--maybe a separation or a divorce.  It would be so easy to do this if you are upset at the dad for leaving or the mom for being domineering but you don’t do this--especially in front of the grandchildren.  The parent may be a total shit, but they are still that child’s parent.  At least respect the role.  And always reassure the grandchildren that any problems between the parents are NOT the fault of the child.  NEVER their fault.  If you have issues with the other set of grandparents, keep it to yourself. No good will come out of you airing out your grievances.

Any big or extravagant purchases--always ask permission from the parents first!

We want to spoil our grandkids but let’s now upset our own children.  Always ask permission from the parents if you are getting the grandchildren something expensive, questionable, or that requires a certain scheduling (like concert tickets).  When you talk to the parents, talk to them privately--not in front of the children.  You would be putting the parents on the spot and making them look like the bad guy.  Parents don’t appreciate that.  Also, accept their answer.  They have their reasons for saying no.  You might not agree, but you are not in charge.

Being a grandparent should be the most exciting time as we get older. Sometimes it is exciting; sometimes it is complicated. Do your best to make it as uncomplicated for the parents and your grandchildren as possible. Allow your grandchildren to be loved by many different adults in their lives--that includes the other set of grandparents. No one is #1 or #2. Remember--we are in addition to the grandchildren's lives only.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday and it is filled with joy and happiness.

Blog Website: https://www.lifelessonsfrommemaw.com/ 

Email: LifeLessonsFromMemaw@gmail.com