"First change I make is to send that two-faced little brat off to boarding school in Timbuktu."....Meredith (Elaine Hendrix)

Almost once a week, I see a post on social media. "Why isn't there classes taught in high school that the students need like insurance, taxes, cooking, sewing, changing a tire, paying bills like utilities, computer skills like coding, and parenting?"

This post drives me insane. THESE CLASSES ARE TAUGHT IN HIGH SCHOOL!! They are in departments like Family and Consumer Sciences, Business, and Technology (includes automotive). I personally taught the students about insurance, taxes, cooking, sewing, paying bills, and parenting.

I'm no expert on parenting (ask my daughters:) and child development, but I do have a degree in child development and taught child development/parenting for many years. I even gave out computerized babies to the students to "take care of" over a weekend. Boy, talk about a perfect method of birth control....:)

Last week I talked about gentle parenting. It's not that I think it is a bad approach to parenting, but I do think it is unrealistic and serves as a disservice to children. In other words, I think it does more harm than good. Like everything else, you need to have balance!

So, how do I be a good parent? Well, first know that you know more than you think you do. Follow your gut. Second, don't listen to experts on parenting--list to the experts in child development. To understand your child, you need to understand child development. Just like when you were pregnant and the app told you what was happening to your fetus every week, child development experts can tell you what is happening to your child every year--physically, emotionally, intellectually, and socially. They will tell you why your child is doing what they are doing and what you can do as a parent. These child development experts, i.e. child psychologists, can tell you what will work and what will not work. For instance, if you have 2 toddlers (2-year-olds) playing "together" (i.e. side by side), do not have one doll and expect them to share the doll. Intellectually, socially, and emotionally, they are incapable to share and consider others' feelings. There is nothing wrong with your toddler--this is NORMAL behavior. They will fight over the doll. What should you do? No discipline, since this is their normal development. As a parent, just have 2 dolls. They will still fight because they will want both or the one they don't have, but at least you have a fighting chance of keeping the peace:)

Finally, what is your end goal? What traits do you want your child to have as they are growing up and as an adult? These traits need to be modeled by you and encouraged by you. For shits-and-giggles, I have compiled a list of traits most people want their child, as an adult, to have. It is not an exhausted list, but it is a good place to start.

Traits as an adult:

**Honesty **Wisdom **Sense of Humor **Kind **Regulate Emotions

**Resilience **Experience ALL Emotions **Common Sense **Empathy

**Helps Others **Strong Work Ethic **Self-Esteem

So, how do you teach these? Here are some scenarios and which characteristics encourages in your child.

Temper Tantrums

Stay calm. When your child throws a temper tantrum, it is ok. If they are young, this is normal behavior. If they are older (like 8+), then this is an issue that needs to be figured out. As a parent, during the tantrum, remain calm and let the child have the tantrum. Make sure they are in a safe environment (won't hurt themselves) and away from people (they love an audience). For example, your 2-year-old is upset about the fork being the color blue in a restaurant, take them to the lobby or reception area where there are no people and there is openness. Let them throw their tantrum. Don't talk to them; don't acknowledge them until they are done. Then discuss their feelings and what to do next time. Make it a very short conversation (2-3 sentences). Your child is learning how to regulate their emotions and experiencing all emotions. This will eventually lead to having a strong self-esteem.

Doing it on their own

Your child needs to be as independent as possible, starting at a very young age. Let them put on their own coat (with little assistance), boots, mittens, hat, pack their own backpack. You need to have patience with them as they are doing this and resist the urge to do it for them. Let them fail. It's ok. This is teaching them wisdom, regulating their own emotions, resilience, experiencing all emotions, using common sense, a strong work ethic (encourage them to keep it up even when getting discouraged), and strong self-esteem. It may even teach them to have a sense of humor.

Natural Consequences

Your child, like you, are going to screw up. They are going to misbehave, have mistakes, make bad choices. They need to learn there are consequences for their behavior. This is the adult life. If possible, give them natural consequences--consequences that naturally occur because of their behavior. For example, your 3-year-old spills their milk at the dinner table because they won't sit still to eat. Using a calm voice, explain why they spilled their milk and let them clean it up themselves. It is just spilled milk, but having them clean it up is not something fun. They will remember this lesson longer than if you gave them a long lecture or yelled at them. Give them minimum help because of their age, but let them do it! This teachers them honesty, wisdom, regulation of their emotions, resilience, experience all emotions, and self-esteem for completing the task themselves.

Reinforcement

Don't forget to praise them, reinforce their behavior, and acknowledge when they do a good job. Be sincere and don't bribe them. A bribe is "You can have a cookie when you clean your plate for dinner." A reward is "Wow! Nice job eating all your vegetables. You can have a cookie before you go to bed tonight." I know--you are not suppose to reward with food but sometimes it is the best reward--personally speaking:) Praising children sincerely can teach them to be kind, regulate their emotions (especially happy ones), experience all emotions, a strong work ethic, and a powerful self-esteem. It can also teach them to help others.

These are just a very few examples on how to parent children with calm, patience, kindness, acknowledging their feelings, but still having consequences, and encouraging them to have traits of a very successful adult. However, you have a few things you need to do too...

--Know what the child development psychologists say about your child and their age. Listen to them and not Tik Tok people!!

--Try not to worry about what others think. Parents who judge you are fooling only themselves. They have gone through the exact same thing you are going through!

--Don't compare your child to other children or to their siblings. This NEVER works out well.

--Relax! I hear about parents paying $20,000 so their child will get into the "right" high school. Don't even get me started about what they will do to get their child into the "right" college. Ask yourself why. Yes, we all want our children to succeed but what does that mean? You want them to make as much money as possible in their career? Then tell them to become a plumber. You need a high school diploma, 6-9 months of a vocational program, and 2-4 years of apprenticeship. They will make $25-45 per hour and $100,000+ as you get more experience. Not many careers can brag about that. And they will never be out of work. My point? Success is measured in many different ways. Most of the Generation Z population measures success by doing what you love in your career and getting paid for it.

I think that is a good definition.

P.S. At the beginning of this blog, I did my ode to "Parent Trap" for several reasons...

1. This is the 1998 remake from the 1961 classic made with Hayley Mills. The 1961 is excellent. You should watch it.

2. Elaine Hendrix (the girlfriend in the 1998 movie) is competing on "Dancing With The Stars". Some of her movie colleagues came out to cheer her on--including the housekeeper and the dad.

3. Lindsay Lohan has a new movie out "Freakier Friday". She really is a good actress.

4. Finally, the mom (Natasha Richardson) died many years ago in a horrific skiing accident. She was married to another actor, Liam Neeson. He has not dated anyone since her death but now is dating Pamela Anderson (original Baywatch). They met on their new movie "Naked Gun". I'm very happy about this:)