"Tell your dog not to worry, sooner or later we all lose our balls."

Back when my Memaw was alive, there was no texting. There was no emailing. The only thing you could do to talk to your friends was to call on your phone or stop in to visit. Memaw and Grandpa lived on a farm, so people would stop in to say hi at all different hours of the day. And my Memaw would make sure that there was always something baking in the oven like cookies or a cake. She always had sun tea made. And when people stop by, she would serve them cake and tea or coffee if they wanted.  They would sit and chat, sometimes for hours.

We don’t generally do that nowadays. Sometimes when I’m with my friends, we will go out for lunch or breakfast and that can turn into a two to three hour marathon. We generally do this about once a month and the rest of the time we are texting or sharing things on social media to each other.

I think most of us have at least one or two friends that we were very close to and that we could have these power talks with. Or we can have short talks in terms of texting every day or every other day. But I think our biggest problem is what we call “small talk”.   Small talk is when we encounter people who are not our friends, who are not our acquaintances, or maybe barely acquaintances but usually are total strangers. For some reason, we are in a situation together and it’s awkward if there’s just silence. So we try to fill up that silence with small talk.

Joe says I am the queen of small talk. When we have to talk to a stranger for whatever reason, he always sends me to do it because he says “I know how to talk to them”. Maybe I do but it’s because I learned how to do it. It’s not something that is natural to most people, especially somebody like me who is more of an introvert. It’s something that I had to learn and I learned those skills from my Memaw.

Memaw had many friends, but strangers also liked her because of the way she carried herself. She would make people feel comfortable. And looking back, there are some rules that she modeled and I learned about on how to do the small talk.

I’ll try to list them as the five rules according to Memaw.

Be kind, be gentle, be nice

The first rule is how you present yourself. Memaw would say that I would need to be kind, be gentle and have a smile on my face. With this, it seems like you are more open and people like to talk to other people who are open.

Know your opening statement

The second rule is that generally I need to say something first. Not always. There are people who will talk first to you, which is nice because it alleviates some of the pressure off of you. But generally, I assume when I meet somebody new, are in a situation with a stranger, or I’m with somebody I don’t know very well, I generally will say something first. That means for me I have to think about ahead of time what my opening statement will be. Generally, my statements are very similar, but it’s based on what situation I’m in. For my opening statement, I don’t ask questions like “How are you?” or “How do you like the weather?” because these are way too vague and some may feel they are too personal–”How are you?” can be a little personal if people really get into it. Most people just say fine, but that doesn’t help move the conversation along either.

For these rules, I’m gonna put us in a situation where I am at the dog park with my dog. My dog is out romping around with the other dogs. I may be standing next to another lady. At this time, if she doesn’t say anything first, then I’m going to say something, but I’m not going to say “How are you?”. I might do something like “Which one is your dog?”   I want to engage in the small talk that’s meaningful but yet harmless.  This is a good opening statement because it is not too generic and not too personal.

Give a genuine compliment

The third rule that I learned was to compliment. This usually helps show that the tone is friendly. But you need to make sure that the compliment is sincere. Give people credit. They know an insincere compliment when they hear one. So, again, I’m at the dog park and I might say “Oh, I really like your dog’s coloring. I always think that red on a dog is really beautiful.”  I sincerely mean it and it helps establish a friendly rapport.

Be a listener

By this time, hopefully there IS a rapport. I have asked an easy question without being too personal. I have complimented their dog. Hopefully the conversation has taken a life on its own. If not, the fourth rule that I have learned is to listen. So after saying a question and a compliment, then I’m going to let the other person do some talking if they want to. With that, I’m just going to listen to them. I’m not gonna try to interject what I think or what I feel. You know in a conversation when it’s OK for you to agree or to help the conversation along. But for most of us, it’s hard for us to just listen and not think about what our next response is going to be. That is the secret of communication: listening.

Silence is ok; so is not having a conversation

My final rule that I’ve learned from Mema was that sometimes small talk lands and sometimes it doesn’t. After asking the benign question, doing the sincere compliment, listening to the responses, and being OK with the silence, if there’s nothing else then there’s nothing else. Silence is OK and you have to be comfortable with it. Some people just don’t want to engage in small talk. Some people just want to have their own thoughts or maybe they want to be on their phone. If something like this happens, then I know it’s OK to walk away. Not angrily. I might say something like “I’m gonna go play fetch with my dog”. That way the person knows I’m not upset with them. I’m not angry that they’re not engaging in conversation.  It’s all good.

Above everything else, be kind, be gentle, and be friendly.  Smile a lot.  Have patience and listen.  Know that silences are ok and not everyone wants to talk.  Do your best. 

Who knows who you might meet?

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