Life Lessons From Memaw
Everyone thinks their job is the hardest. There was even a show called “Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe”. Mike Rowe would do other people’s jobs because they were hard or “dirty”. Some jobs are hard: deciding whether to bomb another country; trying to predict the stock market; flying a 500,000-pound plane to the other side of the country; running five to six hours in a marathon; trying to defend an innocent person in a criminal trial. The list goes on and on. However, none of these jobs compare to the Hardest Job In The World…..parenting.
Yup, it is the hardest job, with no pay, no sick days, no taking-a-break. It is the hardest job and almost everyone will be doing this job sometime in their life. It is not a job you can quit, retire from, or change for a better job. It is like the Supreme Court Justices–it is a job for life!
Even though children do not come with an owner’s manual on how to raise them, there are books, articles, and podcasts from people who have had to do the job and lived to tell about it. They give advice on what worked for them and what didn’t. We, as an audience, read, watch, and listen to these “experts”. Sometimes, parents are so desperate, they follow the advice from these people against their better judgement. “That doesn’t make sense!” they may say to themselves, but then think “Well, this person is on TikTok, so they must be the expert.” Just like EVERYTHING on social media, always use caution when taking the advice of an “influencer”.
One such person caught my eye in an article about parenting styles. Not because I disagreed with her, but because everyone was touting that she invented a parenting style. This made me stop and think because what she was saying was NOT something new. It has been around since the 1950’s—almost 75 years!
Let’s start with some background.
When I was in college in the 80’s, I got a degree in Human Development and I learned about 3 distinct parenting styles. They are called by many different names, but here is the breakdown:
—Authoritarian
—Permissive or Lassiez-Faire
—Democratic or Authoritative
For simplistic reasons, I will use the term that is underlined.
When you think of parenting styles, think about types of government. Let’s start with the Authoritarian parenting style. An authoritarian government is similar to a dictatorship. There is one boss, one president, and he/she has the final say. No one can disagree with them, disobey them, or challenge that dictator because there would be dire consequences. It is the same with the authoritarian parenting style. One parent is totally in charge. That parent has the final say. They make all the decisions because they feel they know what is best for the child. They don’t want the child to make any mistakes and the child is not given any grace if they do make a mistake. Punishment for disagreeing or disobeying is harsh. The child has no say in decisions, in options, or in their own life. The parent makes all the decisions. Please understand we are not talking about love. The parent loves the child very much and does not want them to learn “the hard way” about life. The parent thinks they know best and is guiding the child to an easier life than if the child made their own decisions. Also understand we are not just talking about not allowing a 2-year-old to eat ice cream for dinner or not allowing a 14-year-old to stay out all night. Authoritarian parents decide what a child will wear every day. They decide what high school classes that teenager will take or what college they will go to. This is not healthy for the child. In order for a child to learn to make their own decisions, they must make wrong decisions–they must make mistakes. We learn best from our mistakes. For example, maybe a 3-year-old wants to wear flip flops in 6 inches of snow. This is not wise and a good parent would not allow it. An authoritarian parent would tell the child exactly what shoes to wear, with no input from the child. A teenager may want to take only prep classes and not challenge themselves with accelerated or honor classes. An authoritarian parent would choose all the classes that teenager would take in high school, with no say from that child.
So how does this type of parenting affect a child? They do exhibit high obedience and conformity because they have been raised to fear the punishment. But these children has low self-esteem. They never learned to make a mistake and bounce back from it. Or make a good decision and feel pride from it. They have low social competence, again because they were not allowed to choose their own friends. The parent decided who was best for that child’s social circle. As an adult, that child has difficulty making friends because they don’t know how, who would be a good friend, and who now. They do not know how to manage their emotions because the authoritarian parent never addressed any emotions or emotional support with the child. These children are more prone to anxiety and depression. And, of course, they have difficulty in decision-making as an adult. They never had the practice as a child to make good and bad decisions. Everything was decided for them.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-Wqu-awI7g A scene from Dead Poet's Society demonstrating authoritarian parenting style.
Permissive parenting, on the other hand, is the direct opposite of authoritarian. Some children who were raised in an authoritarian household, grow up to be permissive parents. They do not want their child to suffer the same fate as they did living in a very controlling household. However, these parents are now going to the other extreme. They have very few rules in their home and usually there are no consequences for breaking those rules. They want their children to treat them as their “friends” instead of their parents. Of course this is wrong on so many levels. Children do not need adults as friends. Also, if a parent is a “friend”, then they cannot enforce rules. After all, a friend cannot tell another friend what to do. These parents allow their 3-year-old to wear whatever they want–including flip flops in 6 inches of snow. These parents also love their children and believe that if a child is given total freedom, they will make good choices. However, this is not the case. Children need guidance when making decisions. Because they are young, have a lack of cognitive ability, and experience, they do not know how to make good or bad decisions. That 3 year old may wear flip flops in the snow and yes, they will “learn” that flip flops in snow is not a good idea. But they may also get frostbite or pneumonia because they got no guidance from their parents. Yes, that teenager can pick their own classes for high school, but with no parental input, they do not know what classes are needed to get into college.
So, what type of personalities do these children have? Surprisingly, very similar characteristics as children raised in authoritarian households. The children with permissive parents have poor social skills and decision making skills. They had little or no guidance or boundaries from their parents, so they don’t know how to make good friends or make good decisions. They lack self-discipline (again, because their parents didn’t teach them any discipline) and can be self-involved and demanding (no surprise there!). Finally, research shows these children of permissive parents have higher than normal levels of anxiety. They do not know or have learned how to manage their anxiety in normal situations.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_vJTJ3hrgM Scene from Mean Girls demonstrating permissive parenting style.
So what is the best parenting style? We will talk about that next week and about how that TikToker started this whole conversation about discovering a new type of parenting style.
Have a happy and safe 4th of July!!
