Life Lessons From Memaw
Mary has a 3-year-old who wants to choose what she will wear everyday. Is this a good idea?
Tom’s son, Jimmy, is in middle school. Every day Jimmy likes to come home and play Minecraft for hours. He is starting to get bad grades in school and his teacher called today to say Jimmy fell asleep in class. What should Tom do?
Sarah wants to go to prom with her friends. After prom, there is a school sponsored midnight cruise on Lake Michigan on a cruise ship. However, Sarah’s usual curfew is midnight. What should she do?
The examples above are typical scenarios that parents find themselves having to deal with. The goal of parenting is to raise safe, responsible adults in their children. But how do they do that? What is the trick of this very hard job of parenting?
Last week, we talked about authoritarian parenting (like a dictatorship) and permissive parenting (little or no rules). For example, in scenario #1, an authoritarian parent would not allow their children to have any say in what clothes they would wear. The parent would pick out each outfit everyday and make their child wear it. In scenario #2, a permissive parent would allow their child to play the video games whenever they want, as long as they want, even if the child is not doing their homework and getting the rest they need. The permissive parent believes the child will sleep when they are tired.
So, what is the answer? It is in the third parenting style called democratic parenting. In this style, the parent is still the authority but they also allow the child to have some say in the decisions. These parents foster independence with the child by giving them guidelines on how to make good decisions but also gives them grace when they make a bad decision. These parents have rules, but give a lot of positive reinforcements and use natural consequences as a “punishment”.
Children are included in making the rules because the parents explain why a rule is needed. Parents also promote their children to be involved in making decisions because the child learns by example. Using this approach, children have better independence because they learn how to make good decisions. They tend to do better in school because they use good judgment, have less behavioral issues, and don’t have that psychological control from their parents. These children tend to have better social development by choosing better friends with guidance from their parents, regulate their emotions more efficiently, and have good mental health, with less risk of developing depression.
Let’s give some concrete examples of democratic parenting. For scenario #1 (3-year-old and clothes), this parent knows that it is important for a child to practice making decisions with guidelines. This parent may choose 3 outfits that the child likes but is also appropriate for the weather and tell the child they get to choose one. Most children would love to have a say in what they wear. For scenario #2, Tom knows that too much playing video games is not good for Jimmy. Tom may talk to Jimmy and let him know too much playing is making his school work and his lack of sleep suffer. Tom may ask Jimmy for suggestions on how to solve these problems. Maybe a solution they both come up with together is that Jimmy must finish his homework first after school, eat dinner, then be allowed one hour of playing Minecraft before a 9:00 bedtime. Maybe on weekends, that time can be increased if his grades improve. Finally, for scenario #3, Sarah wants to extend her curfew for a special occasion. Because Sarah has been raised on how to make good decisions, and she knows her parents are fair with her, she presents her argument for staying out late that night. She gives her parents facts and listens to their suggestions as they are listening to her reasoning. Her parents may not agree with extending her curfew, but if they don’t, they give her their reasons in a fair and peaceful way, with no power struggle.
As you can see, this type of parenting style leads to children who grow up independent, make good decisions (most of the time:), have grace and resilience if they do make a mistake, have a healthy social life, and better mental well-being. It is not a perfect parenting style, but it does come close. It is also not always the easiest. You still have to have rules, consequences, and boundaries. Children may not always like that but as they grow up, they eventually realize it is for the best.
What started this whole conversation? A TikToker claimed that there are only two parenting styles: Type A and Type B (similar to personality styles). This TikToker then came up with a “third” parenting style.
According to her, Type A parents has intense energy, they schedule everything, good grades and extracurricular activities are expected, and children feel the pressure to perform. These kids can have issues with mental health because they feel burnout and over extended.
Does this sound like authoritarian parenting??
The second type of parenting style is Type B parents. These parents don’t enforce the rules, could care less if their child eats their veggies, have less structure, and less rules. Obviously, this leads to inconsistency for children and uncertainty around expectations.
Does this sound like permissive parenting??
The winner? According to the TikToker, she came up with the Type C parenting style. This type of parenting style gives a child clear boundaries and expectations but also allows the child to be involved in problem solving and encouraged in independence. This parenting style allows for parents to be involved in the child’s life but not micromanage. They help the child feel secure and have emotional support.
People on TikTok are saying “Finally!! There is a parenting style that is not extreme! It takes into account the child and the parent. There are still rules and enforcement of the rules, but there is also room for discussions from the child and gives them the independence they crave.”
Really?? Finally there is a 3rd parenting style? Hmmm, how about democratic parenting style? It has been around since the 1950’s!! Don’t believe me? Watch some 1950’s family shows like “Father Knows Best”, “Leave It To Beaver”, or “The Donna Reed Show”. How about 1980’s shows like “Full House”, “Family Ties”, or “The Cosby Show”? All of these shows demonstrate the democratic parenting style and were very popular.
I know TikTokers feel they truly invented the wheel but they didn’t. However, they did start the conversation again about good parenting. Sometimes, TikTok is good:)
