"What if this is as good as it gets?"

Sometimes we feel that things are never going to get better. "This is how life is supposed to be" you may think to yourself. We all have. Something bad happens or we just wake up one morning, feeling down and wonder if this is all there is. It is not a fun feeling but for most of us, it generally tends to go away. For some, it doesn't.

As I have said before, I talk a lot about happiness because it seems to be something everyone wants but finds very elusive to have. For some people, they are so far away from happiness, it is not even on their radar. They may have clinical depression or anxiety, suicidal tendencies, or acute traumatic situations. These people are not worried about being happy. They are worried about living each day and not dying. This is a harrowing, frightening pain that they have to live with everyday. This blog today is not for these people. If this is you, or someone you know, please get professional help immediately.

For the rest of us, we may feel all different types of emotions, some good and some bad, everyday. But generally we are living our life the best we can. We want more happiness in our lives, but is it realistic? I do feel occasionally happy, but would I describe myself as a happy person? Most of us would answer no.

Two weeks ago, I asked you to watch a 9-minute video from Dr. Laurie Santos. Hopefully, you have watched this video many, many times. If not, I will include the link at the end of this blog. In those short 9-minutes, Dr. Santos says many things about how to be happy. For simplicity reasons, I try to pull out the 10 most interesting things she says in the video as a starting point.

We are not wired to be happy.

Happiness is not a genetic, biological given. In fact, it goes against our nature. Maybe that is why it is so hard to obtain happiness. We literally have to have thoughts and actions consciously to move toward happiness. It is not part of our default systems. What is? Survival and reproduction. Our nature could care less if we are happy or not.

Our mind misguides us in what we think will make us happy.

Dr. Santos points out 4 ways our mind tells us that these things will make us be happy but, in reality, they don't. The first way is that if we have more money, we will be happy. This is not true. As long as you have enough money to have a roof over your head and food in your belly, more materialistic things, bigger house, fancier car, better promotions, will not guarantee more happiness. In fact, in most cases, it is just the opposite.

Comparison to others.

What is in our default systems is comparing ourselves with others. That comes almost naturally. We want to make sure we measure up to others and are doing well. What is wrong with that? Well, we will ALWAYS come up short! Others will always have more. Others will always have better. By comparing ourselves to others, we will never measure up and think how that makes us feel. We may be doing well, but not compared to others. Nope--we will not be happy falling short of others.

Hedonic Adaptation

Dr. Santos talks about hedonic adaptation. What the heck is that? That means something awesome will feel awesome to us for a little while. But after a period of time, then it stops feeling so good. Sometimes that sip of morning coffee tastes fantastic, but by the end of the cup, it just takes ok. Skiing down a slope feels exhilirating the first few times, then it just feels fine. This is natural. We adapt to new situations and the thrill of that emotion will adapt after time to be not so earth shattering. So, something that makes us feel excitement will eventually not give us that same "high". We think going to that new nightclub will be amazing, and it might be for a while, but it won't make us happy because it will stop being amazing by the end of the night.

Impact Bias

Sometimes we think something will bring us happiness forever. My daughter wants a Golden Retriever. She would give anything to have a Golden puppy. Will it bring her happiness? Absolutely. Then she will have to walk it, potty train it, stay up during the night while it whines (and she has to work the next day), find a sitter when she travels for work or spends the night at a friend's house, pay the vet bills, etc. Puppies are great but they are a lot of work, time, energy, and money. Will the puppy bring her joy? Sure, but only for a short time. Then she will experience the range of emotions from frustration, sadness, excitement, delight, worry, and even anger--in other words, just like a parent:) We think this fabulous impact will last forever, but it doesn't. The dog will not bring her happiness. What will? Taking care of the dog, loving the dog, thinking of someone besides herself. These things will bring her happiness with the dog.

What brings happiness? Care for others.C

Caring for that dog, thinking of others, volunteerisms--these things WILL bring happiness. Everyone talks about self-care. Will that bring happiness? No. Self-care is good. It helps keep us healthy and sane but to obtain happiness is from caring for others--people, family, animals. It doesn't matter who you care for--just think anything beyond yourself.

Social Connection

Besides caring for others, it is important to establish relationships and be around others. Even the most introverted people need to be around others. All the time? No, but as with everything else in life, there needs to be a balanced. Feeling like you are alone too much and "out-of-sorts". Call a friend. No, I didn't say text them or email them or DM them. As Dr. Santos says, use the phone for its intended purpose--CALL THEM. We are by nature social creatures. We need to connect to others. This connection will help bring that happiness. Have a balance.

Gratitude

I will discuss more about this next week (a big theme for Thanksgiving) but where is your focus? Do you focus on the negative things in your life? Or do you look at the blessings you have? Glass half empty or half full? If you focus on the positive, does that mean you ignore problems, issues, or things you need to pay attention to? Absolutely not. But give those things the time they need to solve them, but not the extra time to worry about them. There are days that it is truly difficult to be grateful for anything in our life. So, we may have to find little things (Hey! I have 2 socks on that match!) on those days. Other days, there may be so much to be thankful for. Do what you can but focusing on the good, solving the issues, and trying not to worry about things you cannot change. This is a good formula to bring happiness in your life.

Savoring

This goes along with gratitude. Don't just list what you are grateful for. Experience them, savor them, stay in the moment with them. Be mindful of the feelings these things bring you. When I think about how thankful that both my daughters are healthy, I am almost overwhelmed. I read about other people, other children, who are not so fortunate--either lifelong or there is a sudden accident. Boy, I almost feel guilty about how lucky our family is right now. But I don't allow myself to feel that guilt. There is nothing to feel guilty about. I rather feel grateful and happiness in our situation. Yes, I do pick and choose what feelings I assign to different situations. That is what being human is all about.

Move Your Body

Moving your body directly affects your mind. Feeling blue, sad, mad, or frustrated? MOVE! Go for a walk, run, do Tai Chi, boxing, biking, change your environment. Feel like your life is out of control? Clean a closet, move the furniture, do something that gives you some type of control in your life. The connection of our bodies and our minds is strong and has been proven. Don't underestimate how powerful that connection is.

Finally, Dr. Santos makes two very excellent points. First, know that you will feel all the emotions, not just happiness. Even people who truly say they are happy people, still feel sadness, anger, frustration, stress, and lonliness. Negative emotions help us understand that there is something wrong or missing. But they also are a guidepost that we measure against. Because of negative emotions, we also know when we are experiencing positive emotions. Second, you can read about happiness, how to be happy, and how do you know when you are happy all you want. But if you don't put into practice those skills you learn to help you be happy, then it means nothing. Knowledge is great but action is even better!

Happiness Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kt2tydVnVvA&t=4s

Blog Website: https://www.lifelessonsfrommemaw.com/