"And you want my advice? Why me? Why now?" Because I know you think I was a shitty father. Thank you for not arguing. And I know you're a good father."

I have said many times how hard it is to be a parent.  Between navigating child development, emotional issues, school, homework, family, balancing work and family time, discipline, (and the list goes on), is it any wonder why anyone would want to be a parent?  But, of course, the rewards are endless, so at least it keeps the population growing and parents are not eating their young.

Being a teacher of many different ages, but especially preschool children and high school students, I see many different types of parents and their parenting styles.  A classroom is much like a family in which you use many parenting techniques to navigate the same areas as a parent at home.

Because of my education in child development and psychology, raising two girls myself, and being a teacher for so many years, parents often ask me for advice.  Actually, when I was a parent, I asked EVERYONE for advice--I didn’t care who they were or what they did.  When you are desperate, you will try anything to see what will stick to the wall and work!

Recently I had a friend ask for some advice.  Not necessarily about how to parent, but how to deal with other parents.  Here’s the story…

“My son is in 6th grade.   He is friends with his cousin who is about the same age.  They play quite often with each other and generally get along.  Because they see each other almost every day, they do sometimes fight.  Nothing drastic, but some of these fights involve name calling and hitting.  No one has been physically “hurt” but I am trying to teach my son not to hit at all.  

The problem is with the parent (my brother-in-law) of the other boy.  I don’t respect him as a person or as a parent.  He has made some life choices that I don’t agree with (having an affair, leaving his wife and kids for a younger woman).  And I certainly don’t agree with his parenting style.  He blames any issues on others, even other children.  If the boys get into any type of disagreement or fight, it is always my boy’s fault and never his child’s--even if there is evidence to the contrary.  

He justifies and rationalizes his boy’s actions and gives him zero consequences for his behavior.  One time, his son called my son a name and my son hit him.  My son did apologize but my BIL gave him a long lecture about how you are not to hit other people.  A few days later, his son got mad at my son and hit him 3 times.  My wife told my BIL what happened and he said “Boys will be boys.  My son just overreacted’.  

There are many other scenarios and it is getting out of control.  I don’t want my son playing with his cousin anymore.  I don’t want to deal with this relative any longer.  I’ve tried talking to him but he will not change and will not compromise.  Cutting ties will cause awkwardness but what else can I do?”

The funny thing is that I think my friend is telling a story that we all can relate to.  My next door neighbor talked to me about the same situation with her daughter and a neighborhood kid.  They are both in 2nd grade.  I think we all have those children we may not be “pleased” about but the real issue is the parents.  I’ve even had children in my classroom who were lovely, but their parents were total nightmares!  What do you do?  How do you handle it?

There is no “silver bullet” to solve this issue but there are many options to help you live through this stage.

We cannot change someone else.

The first thing to realize is that we cannot change someone else.  We only have control over our own behavior.  We don’t even have total control over our own children’s behavior!  We certainly don’t have any control over another parent’s behavior.  We can talk to another parent but it is ultimately up to them to decide to change or discipline their own child.  This is actually a good thing for two reasons.  First, we would not want someone else making us parent our child in their way.  We decide what is best for our child and our family.  Second, once you understand that you cannot change other people’s behavior and have no responsibility for that change, it is a huge stress release.  If someone acts in a way that you would not do, then just shake your head and say to yourself “That is their choice; not mine!”

Realizing this, my friend cannot change the brother-in-law's behavior or even the cousin’s behavior.  My friend can only control how he reacts to other people’s behavior.  He may not agree with BIL’s life choices, how he disciplines his son, and how he blames others on all occasions, but it doesn’t matter.  My friend cannot do anything about it.  The hardest but simplest thing is to just let it go.  I know how hard this is because I suck at it but it is really what is best.

Parenting is a verb not a noun.

We, as parents, need to understand that parenting is a verb.  “But my child will not listen to me.”  “They won’t stop hitting.”  “They can’t get to school on time.”  “They are never home for curfew.”  “What should I do?”  

You should parent.  You need to set boundaries.  Give consequences for crossing those boundaries.  “My child will not stop hitting.”  Then discipline them!  My friend took away his son’s video games for a week because he hit his cousin.  Video games are his life’s blood.  It was a good consequence.  “My daughter can’t get to school on time?”  Why not?  Get them out of bed early.  Drive them to school.  They are not ready?  Take them to school in pajamas and no breakfast.  Let the child know you mean business.  Kids are smart.  They will learn their lesson very quickly.

I’m not fond of “gentle parenting” because it does not have consequences for behavior.  Just talk to your child and then they will learn their lesson.  Well, I guess my children were different.  Talking did nothing.  Consequences did.  Excusing their behavior, blaming others, this does not prepare your child for the real world.  If you screw up at work, your boss is going to do more than just “talk to you”!

Keep my child safe.

Ask my daughters, to this day, and they will tell you the same answer to the question I always asked, “What is my job?”  The answer?  To keep them safe.  Whenever I had rules or they got into trouble or when I had to make a decision, I always told them why.  And most of the time, the why was to keep them safe.  Why can’t I have a motorcycle?  To keep you safe.  Why do I have to be home by midnight?  To keep you safe.

My advice to my friend is the same answer.  You need to keep your family safe.  My friend worries about awkwardness if ties are cut.  Ok.  Awkwardness is not always a bad thing.  Your job is to keep your child safe.  If your child is not acting themselves, or physically hitting others, then you need to stop it.  It does not matter who is at fault.  Remember the first rule--you can only control your behavior (and hopefully your son’s behavior to some extent).  Take away the reason for the emotional and physical abuse.  

If the other child is going to continue to engage in this abusive behavior because their parent is not putting a stop to it, then you protect your child.  Yes, you may need to sever the ties.  In fact, I highly recommend it.  

I would say to my brother-in-law something like “My son and his cousin don’t seem to be on the same page of friendship right now.  I think what is best for my son is to stay at home and play with other children.  If and when I think he can be friends again with his cousin, then I will ask if they can play together again.  But, for right now, I think this separation is best for our family.”

My brother-in-law has no choice but to respect my wishes.  If he argues and doesn’t want to respect the boundaries I have set for my family, then I would just shut it down and walk out of his home (stop answering texts, hang up the phone).  If he keeps asking me for our sons to play together, I would keep saying my mantra, then shut it down.  If he gets mad, so be it.  Do I really care?  If he bad mouths me to others, that’s on him.  My true friends and family know me well enough to not listen to him.  Will my son be upset?  Maybe but I am a parent; I’m not trying to win a popularity contest.  This will be one of many, many times that my child will be mad at me about.  

Will there be awkwardness at family get-togethers?  Yup, but I am doing what is best for my family and my son.  When it comes to my children and my family, I am not gentle, empathetic, or soft.  I am a Mama bear with her cubs.  I am fierce, protective, no-holds-bar.  If other people get their feelings hurt, there is “awkwardness” at family holidays, or a rift with the relatives, so be it.  My children ALWAYS come first, especially their well-being.  If that seems harsh, I’m sorry but that is how I am.  

Don’t mess with my children.

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