“I Am Your Father”
Yes, we are still on the fear of failure kick. Last week, we talked about burnt toast.
How you need to look at mild setbacks in a different light.
What good can come from this small inconvenience or large failure.
This week, let’s talk about failure if it is not your fault.
Some of us grew up with a crappy childhood. I have a degree in counseling and as counselors, we will happily tell you that your childhood does shape you as a person. But it is not a fixed trajectory. That means, yes, your childhood may define some of your personality characteristics, but we have free will. We can change anything about ourselves if we are willing to work hard at it.
You may have had parents that didn’t care about you. They showed you little love and maybe introduced violence into your young life. Does that mean you will be a terrible parent? Absolutely not–if you make the conscious effort and do the hard work to change. In fact, knowing your parents can be a wonderful teaching tool of what type of parent you do NOT want to be. You want to be a loving parent, no violence at all, learning how to discipline that helps the child learn a lesson but in a loving way.
Maybe you had just the opposite of parents. Maybe they were always there for you, made all your decisions, smothered you, and made it hard for you to become an adult. Ok, now you are an adult. Learn how to set boundaries with your parents, learn how to make your own decisions, have resilience when you fail (because you will), and get back up on your feet. Learn how to be a productive, independent adult who loves their parents but makes sure they understand that they do not control your life anymore.
Most of us had a childhood in between. Some good and some bad. As adults, you take the good and continue with it, learn from the bad and make changes. I truly believe that the type of adult you are is by choice, not by past. You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it and change your future. It is all up to you.
What does this have to do with failure? Well, I actually know a few people personally who are not making good choices as adults. But that is really all of us–we make some good decisions and some bad. We are human. However, these individuals make bad decisions, then blame it on their childhood. They have literally said “I am this person because of you dad (or you mom).” “Your divorce made me this person.” Now, yes, divorce is a hard thing and it does shape you, but you can learn from it. Instead of being scared of love, know how to tell it is the real thing before you get married. That includes learning how to communicate effectively and constructively.
But don’t blame your parents for your failures.
Learn from them and keep going.
If I told you to tell me the name of a famous scientist, I think most people would list Albert Einstein in their top 5. Although I know nothing about science or math, even I know who he is. He was very smart, with a genius IQ, and won the Nobel Prize in Physics. Did you know that he didn’t speak until the age of 5 and was a reluctant talker until the age of 7? In fact, his parents thought he had a learning disability! Why didn’t he talk? I don’t know but usually non-talkers are because of low IQ or family dynamics. Whatever the reason, he overcame it and became a famous scientist as an adult.
One of the most iconic actors in our lifetime is James Earl Jones. If you don’t know him, you know his voice. He has been in over 50 movies and many stage productions. He has won 4 Emmy Awards, 3 Tony Awards, 1 Grammy, and an Honorary Oscar. That means he is one of a few people who have achieved EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony).
But, like I said, you probably know him more for his rich baritone voice. He was the voice of Darth Vader in Star Wars and Mufasa in Lion King. But his voice is what gave him a hard childhood. He was a stutterer. Because of that he didn’t talk. He was literally mute until he entered high school! He finally overcame his stuttering through reciting the rhythm of poetry outloud, encouraged by his high school English teacher.
Instead of just giving up, thinking he was a failure, he let someone help him. Then, through hard work and practice, he not overcame his stuttering but became a famous figure because of his voice. How ironic!
I started this blog by saying that sometimes failing is not your fault. But how you react to it is totally in your control. Like the Burnt Toast Theory, you need to see the good and positive outcomes that can happen. Don’t be down on yourself. Don’t judge yourself. Overcome those obstacles. Do I think Einstein and Jones are exceptions to the rules? That they are special? Maybe but I think we are all special and have the tools to find what is special inside of us. If we can get out of our own way and look more objectively at ourselves, we can find it.
Will we fail? Absolutely!! Over and over again. But then what do we do? We will talk about that next week and I will have a very serious question to ask you at the conclusion of this series.
Living without failing is failing to live.
Blog Website: https://www.lifelessonsfrommemaw.com/
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