Thanksgiving Means Football, Food, and Family

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday.  First, my birthday is around Thanksgiving, sometimes on the exact day.  However, as I am getting older, this reason is becoming less and less my favorite:)  Second, I love football and growing up, my favorite team was the Detroit Lions–who have had a game on Thanksgiving since 1934!  Now my allegiance is with the Chicago Bears, but the Lions and the Bears will play each other this Thanksgiving.  Third, I love to eat.  Although I only like some Thanksgiving food, like the turkey, the cranberry sauce, the rolls, and the pies, I like to eat a lot of those things I like!  Finally, I generally spend Thanksgiving with my husband, my children, and my husband’s family.  And it is a great family.  I do not spend Thanksgiving with my side of the family because they live so far away.

Family

Ahhhh…Thanksgiving and family…  There are many memes about the holiday with family.  Most of us love our family but Thanksgiving can mean too much “family time”.  The thing about family is that it is family, for better or worse.  It is your family.  Somehow, you have to find a way to deal with them. 

Parents

All of us have parents or guardians that did us wrong in some way.  As teenagers, we felt that these people were the reason for whatever was going wrong in our lives.  However, as we aged into adulthood, we realized that we have control over our lives and to stop the blame-game.  At least, I hope most of us realize this…

Blame Game

I have a friend and her son is in his mid 20’s.  Right now, he lives on his own, has a good paying job, and has many extended family that lives near him including cousins his own age that he hangs out with.  He didn’t finish college but that was his choice.  His parents are still paying the student loans.  However, he constantly blames his parents for how wrong his life has turned out.   My friend is very upset by this and calls me on a regular basis, asking for my advice.  Did she ruin his life?  Does he hate his life because of her?  Did he not finish college because of his parent’s divorce?  Are they to blame for his life right now?

To be honest, this really pisses me off!  Everyone will tell you that the adults that raised you screwed up in some way.  Either through self reflection, therapy, or friends telling us to get a grip, we finally realize that we make our own choices and decide our life.  My friend’s son has not done that and now he is making her feel bad about a life that, in my opinion, is going pretty good for him so far.

My Family

My mother is bat-shit crazy.  Always had been, since I was a little girl.  Was there abuse?  You betcha–emotional and psychological.  Not really physical abuse–I was disciplined in ways that were common back then (spankings, wooden spoons, paddles, etc.)  The emotional abuse was inevitable because of her mental state.  Let me give you an example.  When I was 16, I needed to have all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled.  They came in ok, but too far back in my mouth for me to brush, so the dentist said they needed to come out.  On the day of my appointment, my dad was out of town for work, and my mom refused to drive me to the dentist because she wanted to stay in bed.  I only had my license a few months, but I drove myself.  I had local anesthesia, so I was able to drive home.  Once I got home, I had to change my gauze.  I was bleeding pretty bad because it is considered a “head wound” and they are bleeders.  My mom came into the bathroom and started screaming because there was blood on the bathroom sink.  She kicked me out of the house.  I had to call my Memaw to come get me because I couldn’t take the family car.  I never moved back home and l lived with Memaw until the day she died.  Unfortunately, this is just one story about my mom.  I have hundreds, but I think you get the gist.

Do I blame my mom for my life?  Absolutely not!  Did I when I was younger?  I don’t know.  I didn’t stop long enough to think about it (or maybe I just buried it).  But I will tell you that I knew from high school on, that I needed to make my life the way I wanted it.  I had total control and needed to do what I had to so I would have the life I wanted.  And I do have that life.  I was declared an emancipated minor and paid for my own college.  I moved to a big city, Chicago, as soon as I graduated with no job and no place to live.  But I knew I could rely on myself to get to where I needed to be.  I have had a wonderful career, a husband who is my best friend, and two wonderful daughters who grew to be outstanding adults.  Did I have problems along the way?  Absolutely.  Is my life perfect?  No–but it is perfect for me.  

Do I blame my mom for my life?  If I blamed her, then that means I would have to give her credit for my life.  Nope.  I take full responsibility for my life.  So, that means I take full credit.  That’s how it works.  My life is my responsibility, no matter what my past was like.  I make choices everyday to make my life better.  I have full control over my career, my family, my personality, my life.  If I don’t like something, then I have to change it.  I always have choices.  Yes, other people do impact me.  I don’t always agree with my boss, but I must do what he says.  However, I always have the choice to quit and get a different job.  I always have that choice.  

You Have Control

I can’t explain how great it feels to know that I have control over my life.  It is liberating and powerful but it is also scary.  I know that I make all my own decisions, but sometimes they are not the best decisions.  I screw up and I fail.  And I screw up and fail a lot.  But I also know that I have resilience to pick myself up, learn from my screw up, and try not to make the same mistake twice…but that is for another blog.

But They Are Family

Understand this.  You have family and they drive you nuts.  However, you cannot blame them any longer for your life.  You have total responsibility for your life–to make your life the way you want it.  You will fail many times along the way–I guarantee it.  But if you accept the responsibility, then you have the power to make changes.  Always keep that power and never give it up to anyone else.  Finally, you have NO POWER over others and their actions.  You only have power on how you react to those actions.  Your family is family–forgive them and move on.  Give them grace in their actions and if it becomes too much, separate yourself from them until you are ready to accept and forgive them.  

After all, they are family….

Nobody else is responsible for your life but you.  Mark Manson