"Well, great! Let's see how I can screw the fourth one up! Hey, let's have five. Let's have six. Let's have a dozen and pretend they're donuts!"

A while ago, I wrote about a "Type C" parenting style. I had read about it and I was dismayed that this person thought they had come with a new parenting style. In reality, it was the "democratic" parenting style that was coined many decades ago.

Today, I read about another type of parenting style: "Gentle Parenting". I have heard of this style before but I actually did some research on it. I have also seen it displayed by some neighborhood parents. Hmmm....

As I have said before and many times, the hardest job in the world is being a parent. Yes, any fool can be a parent. There are no license that is needed; no education required; no certification or test that needs to be taken. You perform a physical act and 40 weeks later, you are a parent. There are other ways to become a parent, but this is the most popular way it is done. Why is it so hard? Well, for several obvious reasons...

First, you are responsible for this other living being (physically, emotionally, financially) for persumably the rest of your life. That is a long ass time!!

Second, this is a living person. You can't abandon it or "change your mind". It's not like a puppy or kitten and you can take it to the shelter if you find it is too hard or inconveniencing. In a legal and moral world, you have to suck it up and raise it.

Third, there is tremendous pressure to raise this child to be a responsible adult in life.

Fourth, everyone is judging your parenting skills by how this temperamental, emotional, inflexible, chaotic, unbalanced child acts in public.

Finally, there is no manual in how to raise this "beast"! What is the best, proven way to raise this creature to be a good person, a responsible adult, someone who you can be proud of? What are the tricks, the secrets, the hidden ways of being a good parent? Who has unraveled the mystery of being a good parent, raising a wonderful adult, and not going crazy in the process?

There are many "experts" who tell you this is the way to be a good parent or this is the secret to raising a good kid or this is how to keep your sanity. But, in reality, who can say they are an expert? Just because you raised a kid or kids? It's like saying you are a professional chef because you made spaghetti and meatballs one night! Experience does not make you an expert. Nor does education or research. But experience does make you wiser--once the child is an adult!

In reality, there are no experts in parenting. There are people, like me, who can give you opinions based on experience, education, and research but they are just that--opinions.

In the past, I have explained authoritarian parenting, democratic parenting, permissive parenting, and Type C parenting. So what is "Gentle Parenting"? This is another parenting style thought up by an "expert" about 15-20 years ago but has been causing a social sensation recently.

Basically, the premise is that you validate your child's feeling and emotions and "guide" him to make the right decision in every situation. With the validation and your guidance, your child will develop a healthy self-esteem, be emotionally stable, and make good decisions for themselves as adults. In every situation, you are calm and the child obeys or at least, sees the wisdom in your reasoning. Boy, that sounds awesome!!

How is it done? Whenever there is a decision to be made or a conflict that arises, you are to first label the emotions the child is experiencing and validate those emotions. "I know you would really like to have that toy in the store. You are sad that I am not willing to buy it for you right now."

Then, you are to "guide" them to make the appropriate decision--in this case, it is for the best that you don't buy them this toy because it is too expensive and they learn it is ok to be sad because they didn't get the toy. "I know you are sad but the toy is too expensive for me to buy. You have many toys at home that you don't play with anymore because you get bored with them. Don't you think you would get bored with it soon and then it would have been a waste of money?"

Then, in a perfect parenting world, the child would agree with you and leave the store sad but knowing that it is ok to be sad and not getting the toy was the best decision.

Well, any parent will tell you that this scenario is not going to work. Did I mention that children are emotional, inflexible, unstable little people? Children have many traits, but most children have these traits--they think only of themselves and they want immediate gratification! This is normal. If you want to be a good parent, then study child development, not parenting styles. Why? Because child development is one area where there are legit experts, with decades of research, and where most of the thories have not changed with the times. A few have but most of what child development experts have said in the past 30 years is still true today. And one of the first things that will tell you are that children are selfish and they want things right now. They have a very difficult time thinking of others (empathy) and thinking about the future.

I don't care if the kid is 2, 12, or 16. These two facts are with them and IT IS NORMAL! You can't have one doll for 2 toddlers and expect them to share. You can't ask a middle schooler to play a game and not follow the rules. They don't care if you are losing the game. And you can't ask a 16-year-old to be ok with not buying the latest fashion or not buying them a car because you don't have the money.

Does that make kids horrible? Nope. If you study child development, you will know that this is normal behavior. Just like a one-year-old will have a hard time not having accidents in their pants (too young to potty-train) or a three-year-old cannot tie their shoes (too young to have the muscle in their thumb to accomplish this), or a fifteen-year-old who will think they will live forever--no matter what. Typical, normal behavior.

So if you ask that 2-year-old to be disappointed but behave properly about not getting that toy, you will be disappointed. That 2-year-old will throw a temper tantrum--as they should. Normal behavior. What's not normal is to ask them to understand that the toy is too expensive. Or asking that 16-year old to be ok with not getting the latest video game because they will be bored with it soon. They will NOT be ok; they will argue with you and you will lose that argument. A teenager NEVER loses an argument--that is why the child development experts say don't argue with them in the first place!

And your calm, rational behavior? Your fantastic parenting skills as you validate the feelings of a 2-year-old embarrassing you in the store with a full blown, pounding the floor, kicking you, screaming temper tantrum? Totally out the window. You are embarrassed, tired, on the verge of tears, with people staring at you.

Does that mean to give into their demands of that toy or video game? Nope. First, the child's behavior is normal. You just need to deal with is appropriately. Second, those people that are staring and judging? Shame on them because every one of them has been in your situation and what they are really thinking is this--Thank God it is not my child this time!! What they should be doing is giving you a look that says "I feel ya, girl! Been there many times." Then turn away and ignore the situation.

But what should you do to be a good parent, acknowledge their feelings, and have them make good choices as responsible adults? Ahhh, Grasshopper, stay tuned to next week....