Life Lessons From Memaw
I hate waste. I think most people do. Waste of things. Waste of time. Waste of energy. We hate it because we just don’t feel we have any to waste! For example, I hate plastic bags from stores. When I get home from the store, I may save some of the bags for when the dogs throw up, but generally I recycle them. Nowadays, I try to remember my permanent recyclable Aldi bags to bring to the store. My husband shakes his head at these brightly colored bags, but I feel better using them instead of wasteful plastic bags.
Do you ever worry? Probably a stupid question because I think everyone does. My Memaw used to worry a lot. She said she was a “worry wart”. But we don’t really call it “worry” anymore. We use terms like stressed or anxious. Some even say it is depression. But I think sometimes it all means the same thing.
I have a friend who will sometimes feel “anxious” but do not know the reason why. She might be sitting, watching TV, and this anxiety will overtake her. In psychology, you can be diagnosed with GAD–General Anxiety Disorder–but you have to meet a very specific criteria for that diagnosis. For most of us, this unspecific anxiety happens occasionally. But it is scary. “Why do I feel this anxiety right now? Nothing is triggering it? I’m not late on a work deadline or fighting with my spouse. What is going on?”
Well, I think sometimes we are worried about something and that can trigger the anxiety. I feel it is hard for us to understand that worrying can trigger anxiety because worrying is not a term we use anymore. Why not? What is worrying?
Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles. It takes away today’s peace.
Very simply, worrying is being concerned with something that could happen in the future. Why we have trouble grasping it is because we are fearing what may happen in the future, but we are feeling the anxiety right now. This causes what psychologist calls an incongruency. This “thinking of the future but feeling it in the present” is two different lines of thinking at the same time. This causes the confusion. Our brain can’t wrap around thinking of the future but feeling the emotions in the present. That’s why worrying can cause so much harm to our minds and our bodies.
So, what do we do about worrying?
First, we need to label it correctly. When we start to feel anxiety, we need to ask ourselves why. If we can’t answer that question, then we need to ask a better question. One of those questions may be “Am I worried about something?”. Like all of our emotions, the more accurate we can label what we are feeling, the better we feel right from the start. It doesn’t solve anything yet, but when we can accurately label our feelings, not only does it relieve some anxiety but it also gives us tools to deal with it.
I have spent most of my life worrying about things that have never happened - Mark Twain
Worrying is what we fear may happen in the future. This, by definition, is a waste! No one can predict the future. Worrying about what may happen is fruitless. Have you ever worried about your performance at your job? “I just got this big project. What if I screw it up? What if I don’t make the deadline?” Sound familiar? Or this…”What if he doesn’t like me? Maybe I put in all this work into our relationship and it doesn’t last.” We always worry about making the wrong decision, or worse case scenario, or someone getting sick, hurt, or worse. If we allow ourselves, we could be in a constant state of panic!
Most of what you worry about, you won’t even remember in a few weeks, much less a few years - Mark Manson
So, what do we do? First, we get a grip!! Worry does not help any situation! Sometimes I think we worry because we think if we worry, then it won’t come true. And if I sprinkle fairy dust, I’ll win the lottery…both statements have the same probability of becoming true! If you find yourself with unexplained anxiety, ask yourself if it is worry that is consuming you. If so, then ask yourself a few more questions…
Am I worried about something that may happen?
If so, is there anything I can do NOW to ease that worry?
If not, then what can I do to distract myself from this worry?
Let’s look at this scenario following the questions above. My daughter just boarded a plane as I am writing this. I’m feeling anxious. Hmmm, I think what I am really feeling is worried—what if something happens to the plane? Things in aviation have been weird lately! So, am I worried about something that MAY happen? Yes, it may happen but probably not. The law of statistics is on my side. Is there anything I can do to ease that worry? Well, short of piloting the plane myself or kidnapping my daughter so she doesn’t get on the plane, no–there is nothing I can do. However, I will text her later to make sure she landed ok just for my piece of mind. What can I do to distract myself until then? I can finish this blog. I can walk the dogs. I can talk to my husband about this unfounded worry. I can watch TV.
Now I have a game plan that will help me with this worry. Who knows? I might even forget about the worry for periods of time this evening. Can I just tell myself not to worry? I can but it rarely works for me. However, when I can accurately identify what is bothering me through a series of quality questions, then I know I don’t have any control over the future and put myself in the present.
One last thought…for some of us, nighttime is the worst time for worrying. Sometimes I lie in bed and LOOK for things to worry about—is my dog limping? Did I close the garage door? What if I can’t find a dress for the wedding? Did I pay too much for those shoes? Are my girls home and safe for the night? Oh, boy, do I go down a rabbit hole!! Here are a few suggestions to help with the nighttime crazies…
—Remember, it is nighttime and all the Dementors come out at that time. This is normal.
—Remember the Worry Dolls (blog Feb. 14th “Why fall in love, when you can fall asleep?”) Give each doll a worry and let them hang on to it for you for the night.
—Distract yourself. I usually try to remember a good movie and play it in my head. It helps.
—If you can do any action to ease a worry, then do it. Yes, I will get out of bed and check the garage door!
—Here is a new technique I just read about. It is called Cognitive Shuffling. This is a mental exercise that involves focusing your mind on words that have no association with one another, as a way of signaling your brain that it's time to fall asleep. The task is meant to be engaging enough to distract you from the thoughts that may be impeding sleep, but not so interesting that your brain perks up. These images don’t create a clear story line and may help your brain to disengage from problem solving or worry loops. Here’s what you do—pick a letter. Now, name all the words that start with that letter. “T—tree, terrible, turtle, trouble, tomato, etc.” Keep going and once you run out of words, pick a different letter. You will probably fall asleep before you finish the second letter:)
Worrying is one of our many, many emotions that we have. Like all emotions, it is not good or bad. It is just an emotion. However, we need to not let it take over our lives. We need to manage it, just like the other emotions. If we label our emotions, recognize them, and use them to our advantage, our lives will be more productive and less reactive. Being healthy means physically and emotionally. Remember...worrying never changes the outcome.
